


Meaning To Be Free

by SenaCat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Aftermath, Anxiety, Diary/Journal, F/F, Gen, homeworld was horrible, pearls, the pearls are free, there's some issues here, what now?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:39:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SenaCat/pseuds/SenaCat
Summary: A lot has changed in the Diamond Authority. All Gems are legally free now, but just because the laws say so, doesn’t mean they truly are. For one Pearl, having her own thoughts now might be worse than the time she spent as an object and servant. Or is it? She can’t tell anymore.





	1. Entry One

This is the record of the Pearl formerly known as Elbaite Facet 3F Cut 7GC’s Pearl. The date is 1 12 of Era Three

As of exactly one demicycle ago, the Great Diamond Authority broadcast an announcement that the hierarchical strata system that has dictated Homeworld society and a Gem’s place in it has been dissolved. This… includes a statement that declares entities originally considered sub-Gems also have full ‘Gemhood’. Which means myself. That means that supposedly, I’m now a Gem? The Gems in the Facet are all talking and wandering around and everything has ground to a halt. Elbaite seems neutral about the idea, and mostly just seems like she wants to get back to her work.

I don’t know what this means. What do I do now? I don’t know what else to do, or where to go.

I guess until I figure that out, I’ll stay here and do something. And make this record.


	2. 1 13 of Era Three

1 13 of Era Three

I guess I expected something different.  
Some of the Gems who worked in the area have left and transferred to other places, but some of them have gone back to what they did before. The only difference seems to be they take a bit more time to themselves, to wander and talk. They occasionally have talked to me, at least some of the… well, they used to be lower strata, but I don’t think I have much to talk about that they would be interested in. I don’t know anything but what I was for, and what I was told to do.

They wouldn’t be interested in a Pearl who never had her own thoughts until now. So I’ve been doing what I used to do, just being free while doing it? I’m still moving and organizing artifacts and crates, making notes. Elbaite has decided I’m her ‘assistant’ now, if I’m not her Pearl I have to fit some other category. I guess that’s a Gem sort of purpose. Maybe this is what I will do. I know how to, and I understand it well. Elbaite seems like she’s appreciative, and I guess with the state that the archives had gotten into, she would be so overwhelmed by herself. This is even something important that I’m doing, instead of leaving and her being alone with the stacks of backlogged material.


	3. 1 14 of Era Three

1 14 of Era Three

She’s trusting me to do more things, to take initiative. If I’m supposed to be a real Gem, and an actual assistant, then I need to act like one. That’s what she says. I’m not sure how. I mean, I know how. But I’ve never done some of this, having to go and accession on my own? I used to take notes while she wandered around and made entries.

But I want to prove myself and I want to show I can live up to being a Gem, being an assistant. I finally have something important to myself, and I mean to make it happen. I want to. Being an assistant here is _mine_. It’s my choice, it’s something I’m thinking to do. At least until it’s done, and then I might go somewhere else once I know I can take care of myself.

It’s all so complex though! I tried asking her for information, but it’s almost like the directions were sand sliding between my fingers as soon as she said it. She’s so busy, I don’t want to bother her to check again. I’ll do it to make sure it looks like the other entries. That should be good enough, right?


	4. 1 17 of Era Three

1 17 of Era Three  
  
She’s upset. I did it wrong, all of it. I tried. I thought I had it right. Elbaite was in a state, stomping around as she went around to go behind me and undo all of my idiot mistakes. I should have asked. I _am_ a Pearl after all, it’s not like I know what I’m doing. Stupid, cycles worth wrong.  
  
I kept out of the way and waited quietly. I’m not really sure what else I was supposed to do. I don’t think that’s what I should have done though. Is that what a Gem would do? Is that what an assistant would have done? I don’t think it is. I’ll try to listen more carefully, and try to do it more quickly. Wait less time so I don’t have a chance to get distracted and forget details.  
  
I said I was sorry, and she explained it again in more detail. I think I have it now. I just have to keep it in order. 

* * *

 

1 17 of Era Three, again

Something unusual happened, I went into the courtyard to try and relax. I’ve been feeling tense lately and I’m not sure why. Maybe it was the extra work. Blithely doing things wrong is so stressful after-all.   


But that’s not why I’m making another entry. There was a new Gem. An Amethyst came up to me and casually started talking. And for some reason, I started talking back. It just felt right. It didn’t feel like when I would speak when spoken to. I was having a conversation about my thoughts, and her thoughts, because I wanted to. It was nice. She said she would be back and we could do it again.

I look forward to it.


	5. 1 19 of Era Three

1 19 of Era Three

I talked back to Elbaite, despite myself. In a very sharp tone, no less. She had accused me of not doing something, when I  _ had _ done it this time! Even though I did it exactly the way she wanted it, she still found something to pick at. But she had to admit I had at least done the job. Even though I proved my point, I don’t feel better about it. I probably could have done the sorting better anyway. All it really feels like I did was make things more stressful.

I didn’t go out to take a walk this time when I had a break, I went to an alcove and sat in the quiet to rest. But I’m not sure peace and quiet is that peaceful, I just kept arguing with Elbaite, even though she wasn’t there. Maybe I should have gone out, but I wasn’t feeling up to it. I wanted to be alone.

But I wasn’t alone. We just kept going around and around in circles. And how can I win an argument where I don’t even have anyone else to argue with?


	6. 1 22 of Era Three

1 22 of Era Three

Elbaite and I have been so busy. I’ve been working hard, but I can’t seem to focus on anything. It annoys her. I withdraw, apologize and admit to failing like I think I’m supposed to, but then she just gets angry at that. I need to stop acting like this. I’m not supposed to do things wrong, but then if I do something wrong am I not supposed to say something about it? I try to do it right, make sure I say that I’m not deliberately failing. I’m trying to show that I’m taking it seriously.

I don’t want to make her angry, how is an assistant Gem supposed to act here? I would leave if I’m not helpful enough, but if I can’t do this right, how could I do anything else right? And I’d still be leaving her alone with all this. There’s so much still to do, and it never seems to end.

I got to spend more time with Amethyst though. She seems fond of me. I don’t understand why, but it makes me so happy. I sometimes wonder, what if I had belonged to her instead of Elbaite? I don’t want to say that though. It seems wrong to mention, and I don’t think she would like the idea. She likes me as a Gem, not as ‘just a Pearl’.

It makes things better.


	7. 1 23 of Era Three

1 23 of Era Three

Elbaite was gone for the cycle so I stepped away from the archive for a bit. I got to see Amethyst again, we were able to talk for a while. She said she’s been talking with another Gem, a Peridot, and maybe they’re going to get slots on a transport going to another colony world. And this Peridot wants to meet me! I don’t know why. I don’t feel like I can do anything right, it’s not like I’d be any use to anyone. If they knew that, it would be different.

I was barely back in the archive and back to work when Elbaite stormed in and started complaining about assigned projects I didn’t do. I did most of the things, but I didn’t do some tasks in a specific way and missed a different one. That was lazy of me. I have to do better. It was easier to just let her rant a bit instead of try and argue or say anything anyway. Like I said, even when I do things right, I manage to not do them right.

I can’t let Amethyst or this Peridot know. If they’re going to respect me as if I’m actually worth something, I have to at least look like I’m able to be.


	8. 1 25 of Era Three

1 25 of Era Three

Everything is amazing! I met Peridot and she understands so much about what I talk about. I almost felt like we were leaving Amethyst behind in the conversation but I think she was mostly pleased we were getting along so easily. We relate well and I feel like I’ve already known her for ages. That’s foolish I know. But… They do seem serious about taking a transport somewhere else, although they’re still planning it. And they still want me to come with them!

I want to go, so badly. I feel like I can forget everything. But I know better. I have things to do still. But maybe, eventually. When I’m able to. It’s something to work towards.

I can imagine it in the times I have off, instead of sitting alone arguing with Elbaite. What would that even be like? What is it like to do something  _ else? _


	9. 1 27 of Era Three

1 27 of Era Three

I’ve noticed something else that I think is causing some of the stress. We never seem to make any progress, things seem to stay the same no longer how hard we try to work. All the piles and stacks of incoming artifacts and objects never go away. 

It’s because Elbaite never turns anything down.

She never considers if the archive really could use another instance of something, or if we have room for it. She just accepts it. And it goes into another stack. Some of the hallways are getting narrow. I tried to talk her out of a new acquisition just recently, and she was very upset at the notion. “Why wouldn’t we take it?” Because there’s no room? Where are we going to put it? We already have several like it? “But there’s nothing wrong with it and it’s available.” 

She seemed to think it was the most reasonable thing in the world we should have it, almost as if she had forgotten how much we already have to do. I wonder why I never noticed until now. Maybe because I never had thoughts about it, or questioned it. But now that I have reason to think about it… I think we’re overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed.


	10. 1 29 of Era Three

1 29 of Era Three

Something happened with Elbaite, something so wrong. I don’t even remember why it happened. I know we were working in one of the really blocked in disused areas, going through outdated data media. It was stressful, like it’s been. I was starting to withdraw a bit again, and I must have done something to get a bad reaction. I just remember mainly what happened afterwards. What I meekly said without a thought, and what she said back to me in such a calm matter of fact voice.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disobey you.”

“It’s alright.”

Why did I apologize for disobeying her when I don’t even belong to her anymore? And she replied so casually. It wasn’t some sort of denial that I don’t take orders from her, or even some sort of sharp retort to stop saying such ridiculous things. It was just a natural reply. I had been disobedient, I was apologetic. She took it in stride like it was the most natural thing in the galaxy.

Does she want this?


	11. 1 30 of Era Three

1 30 of Era Three

I talked to Amethyst and Peridot. I finally couldn’t hold it anymore. I told them about things at the archive. At least some of it. I’ve left out parts, like what happened 1 29. It might scare them. I was shaking at one point. I told them about the past, before things changed. That wasn’t a surprise for them of course, although they did get worried about things that have happened since. 

Stars, I feel so comfortable and safe around them. Amethyst is so strong and solid, and even though it seems a bit wrong… I like being close to them both. Something about the physical contact is so reassuring and right, it’s like that’s where I belong. I wish I didn’t have to leave them. But I have things to do, and they have places to be as well. But the time we spent holding each other was the best I’ve ever experienced.

I can barely wait until we can do that whenever we want, with no Elbaite, no anything in the way.


	12. 1 31 of Era Three

1 31 of Era Three

I’m so confused. Elbaite and I took a break, and we had a pleasant chat about things. I don’t think we’ve ever done that, ever. Not talking about personal things. Giving me instructions, or whatever else of course. But this was different. We even talked about Amethyst and Peridot. I didn’t mean to bring them up. It just, well… Happened. She seemed rather enthusiastic about the idea of me going with them, and even suggested they could help here first to make things happen more quickly with the archives.

I can’t understand.

The idea of getting to spend more time with those two sounds delightful, and I really like the idea. But I don’t know if I want to bring them here. Do I want them to see this? See me here? See what I’m really like? I don’t know if I want to mention it.


	13. 1 32 of Era Three

1 32 of Era Three

Elbaite asked me something that made me think today. She told me that I've been acting differently recently. 'Less like yourself', less calm. Less helpful. I'm not really sure what she means. What is 'recent'? Since I've been free? 

Is that surprising to her? Or does she mean more recently than that? Maybe the strain is starting to get to me enough even she's noticing. Maybe it's that there's more to me now than her archive. I don't know. I mean I know I've been less calm obviously, you just noticed?

I could probably at least stand to focus on the tasks at hand instead of a future that isn't here yet.


	14. 1 33 of Era Three

1 33 of Era Three

I got another break, but this time was different. Elbaite invited me to bring my new companions to the archives. I'm pretty sure she's trying to talk them into assisting too. I was going to hesitate but thought better of it. I couldn't think of an excuse that wouldn't involve them not being around. 

So they came. Elbaite made polite apologies for the state of some areas. They were 'works in progress', she said. Amethyst had problems getting through some of them. I noticed that Peridot looked uncomfortable in the really disheveled spaces. I hope they don't judge me for this. I kept a neutral tone, tried not to comment much. They didn't either. 

They made non-committal statements of participating in the future, but made sure to spend a private moment with me on the way out. They were gentle to me, as always. Maybe more discreetly. 


	15. 1 36 of Era Three

1 36 of Era Three

I'm convinced now. Amethyst and Peridot are of similar minds. Nothing really changes in the archives. I've started tracking collections and caches of objects, and in a lot of cases, they don't even get fully processed. They just get reorganized and moved somewhere else. 

Some do, yes. But lately that's been mostly condensing into more organized storage that takes up less room. We could get rid of a lot of what's here, and frankly I don't think she would even notice some. As long as it wasn't in the records yet. 

But I can't do it. She would be so upset, and I would have trouble on my own anyway. What if I had help? Someone under less stress. 

Not Peridot, although she would probably be better at it. 


	16. 1 38 of Era Three

1 38 of Era Three 

I hope to the stars I don't regret this. I've convinced Amethyst to come to the archives. Elbaite is ecstatic of course, and we spent the last couple cycles preparing a space for her. Amethyst was willing, and Peridot was alright with it, even if we both don't get to spend as much time with her. 

I feel bad about that. I hope she isn't too lonely. 

I won't lie, I will be glad to have someone other than Elbaite around. Amethyst's quick smiles already are putting me at ease. Even if they are on the sly. I think she's hesitant to show any affection around Elbaite. I think… This might actually work though. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had life delays but I'm planning on getting back to this soon hopefully. I do have notes and content I'm going to put in, but it needs to be written up first and I've not been in a writing headspace. Maybe soon.


	17. 1 40 of Era Three

****1 40 of Era Three

Well, once again I guess I expected something different? Although I don’t know what I expected. After the initial settling in, things sort of feel like they’re back to the normal routine. I’m getting things done around the archives I’m supposed to, occasionally having spats with Elbaite. The only real difference is Amethyst is here. We’re getting to spend a bit more time together, which does help. I appreciate not only having Elbaite as my only regular interaction.

I wish Amethyst could do more. I mean, she doesn’t know a lot of what’s going on here, where things are. And she does try, takes initiative where things are obvious. 

  
I do feel a bit on edge. I don’t want being here to be too stressful, to seem too unpleasant. I don’t want to have being with me to be _bad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy and also had things going on in my headspace that made this fic hard to write. But I have notes and hopefully I can get back on track again soon. I know this is a short update.


	18. 1 43 of Era Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been really late posting lately, a lot of life has happened but I have work in progress to post as I can. But! My girlfriend is an amazing artist and has drawn a picture of our protagonist, in the form of a mental health image. If it wasn't obvious, the Pearl formerly known as Elbaite's is on the [right](https://imgur.com/ClIeTKh) sitting in conversation with the author. Said girlfriend can be found at [commander-booty-call.](https://www.deviantart.com/commander-booty-call)

1 43 of Era Three

I’m worried. Not my normal worries about working in the archives, dealing with Elbaite, or even the usual feelings of inadequacy. Amethyst seemed like she was doing alright, even if she didn’t really know what she was doing. I’m not sure now. Maybe it’s me overthinking. Or I’m so used to expecting someone to be upset with me.   
Amethyst seems distant. Have I done something? Or is it just being here? I don’t want this, all  _ this _ to push her away. I’m probably just being worried by something new and positive going wrong. 


	19. 1 44 of Era Three

1 44 of Era Three

“You’re not stepping out this cycle, you belong to me.”

Elbaite actually said that to me. Amethyst wasn’t in the room and I didn’t tell her it happened, I imagine she would have caused a fuss if she had known. I at least confronted her about it. Elbaite snapped back that of course she didn’t mean  _ literally _ I belonged to her, just that I owed her my time. I don’t think I liked that tone much more than the first thing she said. 

I guess I should explain why she said it. Amethyst and I were planning on taking some time to go into a different Facet to spend time away from the archive, but apparently Elbaite had a project planned she hadn’t been clear to specify she wanted done. In retrospect, I probably should have told her that there should have been more advance warning. It sounded like she came up with it retroactively. But instead, I stayed and worked.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm doing something different this time, and actually making something chapter based, with short entries for each. I have multiple 'chapters' already written, so I should be able to put them down pretty neatly. I'm also gonna say going forward, if you think I need to put a content tag on here that isn't, let me know. I'm feeling a bit unsure about later entries.  
> My girlfriend is an amazing artist and has drawn a picture of our protagonist, in the form of a mental health image. If it wasn't obvious, the Pearl formerly known as Elbaite's is on the [right](https://imgur.com/ClIeTKh) sitting in conversation with the author. Said girlfriend can be found at [commander-booty-call.](https://www.deviantart.com/commander-booty-call)


End file.
